ACHTUNG

Listen up, grimy disco slutmonkeys. The time has come for us to emerge from this chrysallis of a domain name like the luminescent butterflies what we are, and announce our move to thisisfitcrit.blogspot.com.

We'll be tarting things up and shifting stuff around, but there's one thing that will never change. And that is our enduring love for Ben Whishaw. And of course you dear readers, you fittie faces out there in the dark...

Tri-dog-ulation!

A Few Good Men...

...And a pretty looking girly-boy. I mean seriously now. He even makes Tom Cruise look straight.

Bright Star

QUITE LITERALLY A JOY FOREVER

Jammy bugger (quite literally)

A jam-themed Merlin/Arthur fanfic. So good.

Click on picture to follow link

Merlin has returned to our screens, and to our hearts. Colin Tadzio Morgan reprises his role as the young wizard for a second series, and was back on form as the dopey and adorable young wizard. But will my predictions for the second series (deeply homoerotic and fiercly bitchy) come true?

Well, the plot didn't really make any sense, featuring the return of a dark wizard through a precious object which contained his soul, and who used ravens and living statues to terrorise Camelot. It was completely derivative, and the debts to Voldemort and his Horcrux, and to the Raven King in Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell should be all too obvious. So no change there.

As for delectable sexuality, the show is still quite the tease. I was convinced that the opening scene - with Arthur slinking topless out of bed, calling Merlin from wherever he lingers while the Prince sleeps - was going to set the tone. And by 'set the tone' I mean 'growwwwl'.

But clearly the BBC is more interested in the concerns of teenage girls rather than the people who actually pay the licence fee and want to see a bit of tea-time cock. Arthur just flashed his hairless boobs and gave some boring order - I'll come to orders in a second - and Merlin ran away, sweetly wide-eyed and obedient.

I do love their whole relationship tho'. It's somewhat reminiscent of the Allen Ginsberg poem 'Please Master' which begins

Please master can I touch your cheeck
please master can I kneel at your feet
please master can I loosen your blue pants
please master can I gaze at your golden haired belly
please master can I have your thighs bare to my eyes
please master can I take off my clothes below your chair
please master can I can I kiss your ankles and soul
please master can I touch lips to your hard muscle hairless thigh
please master can I lay my ear pressed to your stomach
please master can I wrap my arms around your white ass
please master can I lick your groin gurled with blond soft fur
please master can I touch my tongue to your rosy asshole
please master may I pass my face to your balls,
please master order me down on the floor,

And goes on from there. I don't expect much from you, Merlin, in the way of dialogue, characteristion, profundity, mediaevalism or generally making sense, but I do expect to get some slash out of it.

And yet when I watched the teaser for the rest of the series, I wanted to scream.
Merlin's beard! Quite literally!

Copula(ting): Philosophy and Sex

The first instalment of my new best-seller, Old Men are from Athens, Young Men are also from Athens (title tbc) which details the sex tips from the ancients, summarised into handy axioms for use in your own life. Enjoy!

Let's start at the beginning, with the Ancient philosophers, who were hornier than most. In Plato's dialogue the Lysis, the character Socrates makes some important points about dating. One of the interlocutors, Hippothales, has been irritating his friends by endlessly singing the praises of Lysis, and generally being a bit of a forum-stalker. Socrates points out that these songs are really in worship of himself, since if Hippothales gets what he's after, then these songs are just "hymns of praise" bragging about what a beau stallion he's ridin'. Furthermore, the big S points out, " if he slips away from you, the more you have praised him, the more ridiculous you will look at having lost this fairest and best of blessings."

Axiom #1: Coming on too strong makes you look either smug or foolish.

He then teaches Hippothales how to speak to your lover by engaging Lysis in philosophical dialogue. Socrates questions him on the nature of friendship, and by a cunning argument gets Lysis to admit that "it follows that the lover who is genuine and true must of necessity be loved by his love". The meaning of this is slightly tortured, partly because of the translation, and partly because of the complexities of queer pronouns. But it means basically that by loving someone and being a good "friend" to them, they are forced to love and be a friend to you, based upon the logic that friendship is a shared partnership, and cannot be one-sided. When Lysis accepts this argument, it makes Hippothales "change into all manners of colours by delight". It is the first blush in all of western literature.

Some philosophers might argue that the Lysis is an open-ended, dialectical discussion on the nature of friendship: a philosophical treatise. But clearly, there's more sexual politics here than the average episode of Skins, and it has an effect on the philosophy. It's not what Plato says - which is clearly just designed to seduce Lysis - but the way he says it. He doesn't expound his views in dusty logic, but givesa slightly-queen acting masterclass in the art of seduction. He seems to argue that rather than praising them to the heavens, you should use all the logic you can muster, and impress them with your mind. So rather than writing poems and songs...

...Axiom #2: Take advantage of their stupidy, and get them into bed with a syllogism.

Little Pashes

Thanking you please!

I'm too tired to talk about Little Ashes just this second, cos I've got to go a see a monk about a job, but I shall blog about it in due (inter)course.